Constructive critism needed...?

Honestly, I think you have some real talent. You write in a way that keeps the reader interested, without it sounding like you're trying too hard to make it interesting. It grabs the reader, holds their attention, and makes them long to know what happens next (seriously, what happens next?). ;) So I think it's really great. You should keep going with it! I really want to read the rest. I hope this helps! Best of luck! :)